A New Lawyer Award! Hooray!

I was excited to open my email and find an invitation to pay up for a bullshit trophy (or classy piano-black plaque) celebrating my selection as an "Elite Lawyer."  Boy, this sure looks cool:

Aside from the generic form picture and absence of any mention of in which of my many practice areas I've been recognized as "Elite" (fingers crossed it's Bird Law!), the statement that I've "received this email because [I'm] registered with Elite Lawyer" and a button to unsubscribe crushed my dreams.  I'm afraid this just might be another bullshit vanity scam and I'm just average after all...

That said, Elite Lawyer does have at least a passable website.  As for selection criteria:

The Elite Lawyer Award

Only the most outstanding and experienced attorneys receive the Elite Lawyer award. A prestigious nomination which is presented only to legal professionals who are able to meet or exceed its demanding criteria, it sets these exceptional attorneys apart from their peers and gives consumers added peace of mind when using our directory to search for a top-notch attorney in their area.

The award criterion requires that all attorneys recognized as an Elite Lawyer:

• Hold a membership with a nationally or locally recognized legal association or firm;
• Have attained honors, results, or credentials that indicate a high degree of peer recognition and/or professional competence;
• Have a high level of legal experience;
• Have maintained a clean record; and
• A history of high profile cases or favorable settlements that display a commitment to both the legal profession and their clients.

I did a bit more digging and, eventually, found a physical address for this wonderful organization: 5239 Thatcher Road in Downers Grove, Illinois.  It looks legit:

Ah, the classic business synergy of vanity pay-to-play lawyer awards and home chair lifts.  Go capitalism!  Now, Google does say this picture is from late 2019, so maybe there's a new tenant.

A Google search of the address alone lists a few possible tenants, one of which is OVC Lawyer Marketing, which appears to be an assumed name of OVC, Inc., an Illinois corporation created in 2013 and run by Gregory Wildman.  Another listed tenant is Anderson & Associates, an Illinois family law firm.  And, wouldn't you know it, the managing partner is an Elite Lawyer:

So, this Wildman character is, unsurprisingly, not a lawyer, but a SEO salesman focusing on the legal industry and, his website looks an awful lot like Anderson's...:

So, a SEO salesman operating out of a light industrial unit conveniently located either in or next door to "Elite Lawyers" (and possibly a home chair lift store) in Downers Grove is the newest player in preftigioius legal awards.  

I sent an inquiry with only my (fictitious) name, email address, and phone number for a local fish taco shop asking to become an Elite Lawyer.  I'll keep you all posted on whether Calvin Jurdon gets an invite.

In the meantime, who falls for this shit and isn't it misleading advertising for lawyers to hawk their services based on an award they know is phony?  

Coz’s sexual assault conviction reversed; retrial barred

 

Whoa! 

“There is only one remedy that can completely restore Cosby to the status quo ante,” Justice David Wecht wrote for a majority of the court. “He must be discharged, and any future prosecution on these particular charges must be barred. We do not dispute that this remedy is both severe and rare. But it is warranted here, indeed compelled.”

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-06-30/cosby-sexual-assault-conviction-reversed-by-pennsylvania-court

Did Any of You Name Your Bongs?

See above. I’ve been meaning to ask this.

 

Fresh (Commentator) Bait

 Reality Winner is free and ready to let loose.  May require travel to Texas to meet her.

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/14/us/politics/reality-winner-is-released.html 

Daddy Issues People Finally Targeted by The Wokery

Time to circle the wagons. We are under attack. 

“The ‘Daddy Issues’ Trope Is Sexist And Problematic AF”

 https://www.scarymommy.com/daddy-issues-cliche-problematic-sexist/

CNN: Where a hard man is good to find

 After eight months all by himself, Jeffrey Toobin is back, he's jacked, and he's got the world in the palm of his hands.

Yesterday, CNN officially welcomed back its disgraced Chief Legal Analyst with a well-rehearsed public mea culpa and seemingly no repercussions.

 

Lest this development rub people the wrong way, CNN has recently unbuttoned its ethical standards for its on-camera talent, allowing Chris Cuomo to continue pretending he R SRS REPORTERMAN despite counseling his governor brother on his numerous misdeeds. And because Toobin's takes are on the right side of history, CNN is happy to look the other way.

In this friendly interview with a woman dressed as a banana (pure coincidence, I'm sure), Toobin assures the audience that, other than masturbating in full view of his horrified colleagues, there are no other "skeletons in the closet." I'm sure that's very reassuring for the young lawyer he knocked up, then pressured to have an abortion, only to end up failing to pay child support.

Unlike the New Yorker, CNN clearly feels that the damage to its already-foundering credibility is outweighed by the keen legal insights Toobin is apt to whip out, such this one from the clip above:

Q: Do you think that the punishment fits the crime?

Toobin: You know, I am the worst person to ask that question. No. I loved the New Yorker, I loved working there. ... And I thought this punishment was excessive, but look, that's why they don't ask the criminal to be the judge in his own case.

They sure don't, Jeff. They sure don't.

Harrier Jets for Everyone

 So it looks like a judge took the blow torch to the California Assault Weapons Ban.   Newsom is unhappy, but I assume CalJur is getting ready to update his arsenal.

https://www.kcra.com/article/california-ag-appeals-assault-weapons/36687388# 

Diversity Is Our Strength

 Free speech… no so much.  This article is wroth a read in full, but Tl;dr ACLU sold out because of all the anti trump money.  

They tripled their staff but still only have 4 lawyers working on free speech issues.  And now must seriously weigh whose speech they are protecting…

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/06/us/aclu-free-speech.html

Texas strippers: Now with more C-section scars!

 No weekend plans yet? Consider visiting one of the Lone Star State's many fine gentleman's clubs -- now catering to connoisseurs of more ... mature ... vintages.

 From the cougar-hunting perverts at Reason:

In a performative bid against "human trafficking," Texas has raised the legal age for working at a strip club from 18 to 21 years old, putting many employees out of work and putting clubs that hire them—even inadvertently—in risk of serious legal penalties, including up to 20 years in prison and a $10,000 fine. The state also updated part of its penal code to define "child" as anyone under age 21.

 As a service to the Commenteriat, here is a free CLE on this rapidly developing area of crim law, brought to you by former AG Dick Thornburgh (RIP) and Professor Ali G:

 

See What Happens When You Mock the Federalist Society? ALSO: No One is Returning Lat's Emails

 Our colleague IP-Law Ass requested this post; nice move Stanford!! Here's the link:

https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2021/06/federalist-society-stanford.html

In more important news, Lat's new newsletter is sinking like a stone. Apparently no one is returning his emails! Could it be that no law firm gives a sh*t they were awarded Lat's (not) coveted "Law Firm of the Week" or "Lawyer of the Week" award?