BigLaw (Once Again) Reprises The Yarn of the Nancy Bell

Well, that didn't take long. The Interwebs are abuzz today with reports of furloughs, pay cuts, suspension of retirement contributions, and layoffs. Mergers and lateral acquisitions are also mired in the Serbonian Bog of the pandemic-stricken economy.

It's like deja vu all over again, except that this time, the firms aren't even pretending that things are fine or that they are just having to jettison a few slackers. No, the razors are out, and the razor-dance of equity partners has begun. It's an open and unabashed panic. There are so many breaking stories, there is really no point in trying to pick any one in particular. Even if I end up spending my days in the soup lines, I will still be able to brighten my outlook by checking the Internet in the evening for "Survivor, BigLaw Edition."

"And I never larf, and I never smile,
And I never lark nor play,
But I sit and croak, and a single joke
I have--which is to say:

"Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold,
And the mate of the Nancy brig,
And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
And the crew of the captain's gig!"

A little piece of pandemic advice for my Commenteriat colleagues

Got a note from my doc with an interesting suggestion.  It seems he will be chatting with a lot of folks by phone & video over the next few weeks (and seeing some) but strongly suggested that during peak pandemic, we have several things on us.  Most of them were well known (NSAIDs, fluids, a thermometer), but the one I did not have here was a pulse oximeter.

He mentioned that if you are feeling short of breath, your blood oxygen level is likely to be the difference when talking to us by phone between telling you to go to the hospital right away (potentially unnecessarily) vs. stay home with continued monitoring, rest, fluids and NSAIDs.  I would strongly recommend to all of you that you acquire one in the next few days if you are in a center where things seem to be progressing quickly, in particular those of you with me in SoCal.  Godspeed and good luck to us all.

The Definitive Tiger King Post

Discs here why it’s the best thing on TV.

When This Sad Pandemic's Over

Ladies and gentlemen, blokes and shielas, and those of indeterminate gender moorings, it is unquestionably the case that we are mired in a deadly pandemic. Yet, if I may be serious for a moment, leave us not forget that it is also Peeps Diorama season. It stands to reason that, just as the anal retentive, intellectually challenged editors at ABA Journal could never suppress B. McLeod's musical Peeps Dioramas, some deadly, bleeping pandemic is sure as death and taxes not going to get by with anything similar.

Just so, I ask you all to bear with me, as I persist in defying all those who would suppress Peepist expression, and I invite you all to join me (sing along if the spirit moves you) while I continue to play outlawed tunes with outlawed Peeps.

https://soundcloud.com/user-712998617/when-this-sad-pandemics-over

Lat's much better & back on Twitter!

A snippet from his Twitter account, posted about 2 hours ago:

"As mentioned earlier, I’m not out of the woods yet. But I’m upbeat and optimistic, strengthened by all your thoughts, prayers, and wishes for a speedy recovery.

Much as my parents love looking after Harlan - grandparents are the babysitters who thank YOU at the end of the experience - I look forward to checking out of here before too long and being reunited with Harlan, Zach, my family, my-in-laws, and all of you, my dear friends and loved ones. Thank you once again for everything, and see you soon!"

PHEW.

Testing, Containment, Unquestionably Bungled

Sadly, as the nation ties out one of its worst weeks in recent history, the issues that were supposed to be resolved last week as to availability of testing for COVID-19 have yet to be successfully addressed. As the linked article aptly notes, the opportunity to have contained this pandemic came and went unrealized, because the testing needed to identify and isolate cases of infection was simply not in place.

As we approach April, a fraction of testing needs are being met, and this is still a significant failure.  Although the genie is now irreparably out of the bottle, it remains true that (absent willingness to bear the sheer death toll of letting the pandemic take its natural course) testing and isolation remain the key to reopening businesses and reviving the economy. Unfortunately, there has been a wholesale want of competence in our federal institutions, particularly the CDC and FDA, and so we remain at home, and essentially, on our own. Another hard lesson to bring home the point that expensive and Byzantine bureaucracies do not translate to effectiveness when the chips are down.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/the-coronavirus-test-that-wasnt-how-federal-health-officials-misled-state-scientists-and-derailed-the-best-chance-at-containment/ar-BB11MJRy

Iranians Continue to Perish from Drinking Methanol

Even with the international publicity this has received, hundreds of Iranians continue to drink methanol in an attempt to protect themselves from the coronavirus. The technique has proved out only in the sense that the virus cannot infect the dead, who are not breathing. It is ironic that in the moment of crisis, so many have chosen to place their faith in methanol rather than Allah.

Also of interest in the story is the mention of rumors that patients in Scotland were cured by a mixture of whiskey and honey. This is an old, home cough remedy, which sometimes also includes orange juice or lemon water. There is also an Americanized version which uses Kentucky bourbon instead of single-malt Scotch. One of my aunts used to make this for me when I would get bronchitis as a child. Good times. No similarity to drinking methanol or hand sanitizer. None.

I would hope that any colleagues who have friends or family in Iran will take the moment to explain to whomever they know there that the drinking alcohol imbibed by the heathen infidels of Scotland is not methanol, and that people should not under any circumstances drink methanol.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/hundreds-dead-in-iran-after-consuming-methanol-thinking-it-was-coronavirus-protection/ar-BB11NijN?li=BBnbcA1

Has this whole thing made you reconsider where you live?

Being at home for going on 3 weeks, and realizing that even as a litigator 90% of what I do can be done remotely, has me thinking.

Is the commute in to a big city (or god forbid living there) worth it?  If the courts actually invest in technology for remote, and it becomes a fixed cost, is it even worthwhile to live in the state you primarily practiced?  Should you just bite the bullet and move somewhere less populated / with a better quality of life?

Extensive Lat Update Reports "Some Improvement" From Drug Therapy

In this report, Lat's husband notes he is not "out of the woods" yet, but there has been some improvement in both his breathing and oxygen levels. While that may seem limited progress, it strikes me as vastly encouraging in that Lat is improving in the respects reported, and also, has at this point made it past the 14-day to 19-day window after symptom onset in which most fatalities have occurred.

https://www.law.com/newyorklawjournal/2020/03/26/mild-improvements-for-david-lat-but-prognosis-still-uncertain/

Check in.

How's everyone doing?  Just checking in.

Shelter at Home

Here in Dallas we just got the order to stay home except for essential activities.  All businesses were ordered close except for essential businesses.  Fortunately, liquor stores are considered essential businesses.  God bless Texas!

What of Lat??

Has anyone heard an update? After considerable ranting about defects in the coronavirus testing process, Lat seems to have suddenly faded from the news. In the pictures that ran with the coverage of last Tuesday and Wednesday, he was looking none too well, unshaven, and perhaps heavily anesthetized.

Based on the reports and descriptions in his tweets, Lat was still suffering severe symptoms in the 14-19-day progress period that has been associated with significant COVID-19 mortality.

At this juncture, let us be mindful that, although Lat ostracized the Commenteriat, he also, to a considerable degree, helped create it.  In a significant sense, Lat, despite his occasional errors in judgment, is like the estranged, gay, adoptive father of the Commenteriat.

Prayers from here, for his recovery, and I hope that everyone will join in.

Litigation in the Time of Wuhan Coronavirus

The dumbest emergency motion I've ever seen had to do with attorneys fees in a Chapter 11 case. Nobody else thought it was an emergency and everyone was rightly miffed at the moving party (a big bank represented by a big firm).

This here case sets the new standard for nonemergencies.

Link to story:
https://news.bloomberglaw.com/us-law-week/federal-judge-reams-out-plaintiff-in-counterfeit-unicorn-art-case

In a trademark case involving unicorn infringement, the plaintiff sought an emergency hearing and emergency relief from the Court's nonemergency scheduling order. And then more emergency relief.

Not great, Bob.


The judge was not pleased by the phony emergency in the middle of a real one, and so ordered.

Text in tweet below:
https://twitter.com/LawyerCat_/status/1241190229949571072

Belated NALP Data Foreshadows Replay of Unkindest Cuts of All

Back in the great recession, I was reviewing one of those legal magazines that takes about three months to circulate around the office. In it, there was a full-page add by a large insurer, telling institutional investors with subprime CMO portfolios that they could cover that risk via a program offered by the insurer.

The insurer in question was AIG, and by the time the magazine and ad came to my desk, the ad was deeply ironic.

Fast forward. We (and all the mooncalves of the world) are just now favored with NALP's simpleton happy talk about the robust character of 2019 recruiting, and the peachy rate of offers to summer associates.

https://www.nalp.org/uploads/PressReleases/PerspectivesReportpressrel3_18_2020.pdf

Wonderful. So, notwithstanding the red, recessionist spraypaint sayin' it on every wall, this would be a great time for all those kids to rent a pricey urban flat and put money down on a new BMW, right? Right?

Huh. What happened to the "summer associates" who were going to be first-years in 2009? Did something happen? Is B. McLeod somehow the only person who can remember that far back? Massive layoffs? First-years finding their offers "rescinded"? Maybe somebody said something about that stuff in that ABA Peeps Contest that existed in those days.

https://www.abajournal.com/gallery/peeps/196

Oh, yeah. All that stuff that happened. Has BigLaw grown somehow famously kinder and gentler? Does NALP think things are somehow going to be different this time around?

Bend down and grab your your heels, kids. The BigLaw Express is comin' at ya!!

Gavin Newsom Slights California Homeless

Probably just a little bit of completely thoughtless don't-really-give-a-damn-ness on the part of His Nibs, but I am sure he got the stink-eye from tens of thousands of California homeless for his directive to "all Californians" to "stay at home." If a substantial number of them take a break from shitting where they live and eat to go fertilize Newsom's lawn, perhaps that will bring home to him the scope of his monumental faux pas. As a collateral consequence, Newsom should now be eligible to share an urban pandemic planning award with Donald Trump, who has also been known to leave a few holes in his masterful answers to problems more complex than 2 + 2.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/california-governor-issues-statewide-stay-at-home-order-over-coronavirus/ar-BB11r1kg?li=BBnb7Kz

A Brown Ale Worth Trying

While the panicked jostle for toilet paper in the supermarkets, local liquor stores are experiencing a deficit in consumer traffic. The degree to which priorities have been warped by the pandemic is astounding. On the bright side, it has resulted in some price reductions that have been a handsome benefit to the idle beer tourist.

This week, I tried some Maduro Brown Ale, which hails from Cigar City Brewing in Tampa, Florida. Similar to a sweet oatmeal stout, it is described by its creators as a full-bodied, malt-forward ale, boasting notes of semi-sweet chocolate and toffee, and hints of fresh coffee. The flavor derived from the flaked oats they have used in the brewing process is also very much in evidence.

If you can find this brown ale in your local market, I recommend giving it a try. I was particularly fortunate in that I was able to acquire a number of sixpacks, and for only $5.99 each. In normal market conditions, retailers could easily move an ale of this quality for $8.99 a six. I suppose I should be grateful that my toilet-paper-obsessed fellow citizens have brought liquor prices to this difficult pass.   

ABA Bleeding Out as Laundry List of Cancelled Events Expands

The listing wreck is leaking like a macrame diaphragm, as hole after hole opens in its rotting hull. As continuing member departures deplete dues revenue and the bear market slams the ABA's investment returns, these coronavirus-induced event cancellations and the consequent loss of revenues are like a cargo hold full of anvils. If the pandemic drags on into the summer, as has been widely predicted, the Midyear Meeting may also have to go over the side. The pandemic could be the rupture that finally takes the drifting garbage scow to the bottom. "Every cloud has a silver lining," some say. Perhaps that may even be true of this lethal pandemic, if it proves to be the coup de grace of the thoroughly uck-fupped ABA.

   https://www.abajournal.com/news/article/aba-cancels-more-april-and-may-meetings-amid-covid-19-pandemic

Lat and Spouse and COVID-19

Per his social media announcement, it seems David Lat has confirmed that he is infected with the COVID-19 virus, and that his hapless husband likely is as well. Few additional details were as yet available concerning the cause or manner of his exposure, but it may possibly be linked to some error in judgment. As of the time this hit the press at ABA Journal, it was apparently deemed by Glawker not to be newsworthy (I have not looked since this morning to see if that view persists).

https://www.abajournal.com/news/article/atl-founder-david-lat-has-the-coronavirus-which-he-announced-on-social-media

Roll Call

My firm's issued the directive to work from home whenever possible so I'm no longer behind the company's WebNanny3.0 webfilter and can post again.  I thought I'd start a thread for general discussion of the great Corona Staycation of 2020.  How crazy are people in your neck of the woods?  What's left in stores?  Got any good recipes for instant ramen and spam?

I'll go first.  I live in Orange County.  As of now, our official count is 17 confirmed cases of COVID-19 (out of a county with a population of over 3 million) and no confirmed deaths.  Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farm (a Cedar Fair amusement park for those of you who don't know) have already closed.  Some movie theaters are still open.  Youth sports have been suspended.  Panic shopping/the need to keep up with panic shopping has emptied many store shelves.  For those of you who have yet to see peak panic shopping, here's a list of what's gone/extremely hard to find and the order in which it went:

1.  Any sort of face mask (from basic home dust masks all the way to p100 full face respirators)

2.  Hand sanitizer

3.  Disinfecting wipes

4.  Hand sanitizer/disinfectant substitutes/ingredients (hydrogen peroxide, bleach, isopropyl alcohol)

5.  Toilet paper

6.  Toilet paper substitutes (baby wipes, flushable wipes)

7.  Paper towels

8.  Bottled water

9.  Water storage containers

10. Dried foods with a long shelf life (dry beans, rice, lentils, etc.)

11. Hand soap

12. Pasta and pasta sauce

13. Onions

14. Milk and eggs

15. Non-weird ass meats (you can still find liver)

Not saying this specific order of things will be the same in your neighborhood, but this might help if you sense a run on stores coming and need to prioritize your supplies.  It blows my mind that bottled water went so quickly and there's currently no shortage of alcohol.  People have their lockdown priorities backwards on this one.

Personally, I'm doing just fine.  My kid's school has been closed so he and I are hanging out today.  I'm doing some research and a little bit of doc review in front of my home PC.  I'm still in my PJs and am listening to AC/DC.  We've got a good supply of food, soap, and TP.  Due to several years of membership in a craft beer society (think wine club, but for beer), I have about 300 750ml bottles of good, high-alcohol beer, and due to a current membership in a distillery's club, we have about 3 gallons of hard liquor.  

 

78-Year-Old Texan Survives 40 Foot Drop After Being Pushed Off Cliff By Son

 

 

Via Turley:

"His father amazingly survived and told police that he could hear his son laughing as he fell."

Isn't that exculpatory?

Also, the pretext to lure dad to cliff's edge was a bit unusual:

McCants told his father that he wanted to show him a rattlesnake he found. He drove him to the cliff and allegedly got him to look over the edge before pushing him over. The father survived the fall with cuts and abrasions.

Clearly, they have a weird sense of humor in that family, but is it a crime?

The Last Man and the Red Death

With COVID-19 dominating the news cycle, it seems that every idiot feels compelled to give his or her uninformed take on the virus. As if on cue, Steven Chung published a new steaming pile of ignorance explaining why he's concerned about COVID-19. 

He makes it painfully obvious that he has no idea what he's talking about.  Take this passage where he tries to sound smart and informed.

While coronaviruses have been around for a long time, this newly discovered version has no cure and can be fatal, particularly to the elderly and those with weakened immune systems. 

Steven doesn't understand what a "cure" is.  Very few viral infections can actually be cured.  Once you get a virus, you're pretty much stuck with it.  Even potent anti-virals that have been developed over the last 20 years only stop the virus from replicating inside the body.  They don't actually destroy the virus in the way that antibiotics destroy bacteria.  I'm sure what Steven meant was that there's no vaccine for COVID-19.  However, there is a fundamental difference between a cure, which is accomplished by killing an active infection and a vaccine, which keeps a person from getting an infection in the first place.  Mr. Chung quite clearly doesn't understand the subject that he is writing about, which is par for the course with him.

If you're worried about Steven, don't worry, he's taking precautions to keep from getting the virus.

 I have done my best to minimize the chances of exposing myself to the virus. That means spending more time working from home. I have encouraged clients to send paperwork via email and the cloud. For those who prefer the old ways, I accept regular mail and offer to reimburse them for postage. Since this is tax season, I and other tax professionals have voluntarily self-quarantined ourselves for the next month and a half.

Call me cynical, but I don't think that human interaction is a big problem for Steven Chung.

Despite the precautions, I have accepted that I will eventually be infected. This is not because I have eaten at four Chinese and two Korean restaurants in the last week and a half. It is not because I didn’t purchase 36 rolls of toilet paper. Most likely it will simply be because I was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I might be strolling at an empty park and Patient Zero just happens to jog past me.

He's so fucking RACEIST.  He really offends a woke individual like myself.  Also, he's once again throwing around terms that he doesn't understand.  The term "patient zero" refers to the first documented case of a disease.  For COVID-19, patient zero was infected in China some time in December of 2019.  The COVID-19 patient zero is either recovered or dead at this point.  Either way, Steven absolutely could not be infected by patient zero.

So what scares me about the coronavirus? The chaos it has caused.  First, it has turned social media into a trainwreck.

Oh yeah, Twitter and Facebook were so pleasant up until the COVID-19 outbreak.  What the fuck planet is he living on?

As lawyers, we are trained to advocate for our clients. And while I won’t get into details, I am sure some of us are using the coronavirus to our advantage.

This is vintage Steven Chung.  He has no idea who lawyers are "using the cornoavirus to our advantage."  His phrase "I won't get into details," is his tell that he's just making it up.  Other than using the outbreak to argue for a continuance, it's hard to imagine how a lawyer would try to use the outbreak to his or her client's advantage.

So what are we lawyers to do about the outbreak?  Steven has the answer.

My hope is that we as lawyers will calm the panic and help people make educated choices by calling out the liars, profiteers, and opportunists, all of whom are taking advantage of this panic for their own personal gain. In these divisive times, we might not change many peoples’ minds, but it is worth a shot. And we should do our best to keep politics out of this. Lives are at stake. There will be grave consequences for any politician who maliciously tries to prevent the public from getting the help they need.

There you go.  I think that my reaction can be summed up by the image below.

Coronavirus Strikes ABA Meeting Revenues

Fortunately these days, I am not a batshit crazy, radical, leftist bar association, trying to live off meeting fees and investment income while my dues-paying members are leaving in droves. If I were, these might be pretty scary times.

As I mentioned in the comments to my last piece on the shrinking, stinking and sinking American Bar Association, the child-like observation by their treasurer, during her Mid-Year Meeting report, that "the markets have been good to us so far" actually evidenced a dependence on investment earnings that could prove devastating in the event of a major market correction. Boom. We'll see how that goes in the weeks and months ahead, as the newly lower-than-low interest rates will also ratchet up ABA's pension obligations. Leaning on the market may be an even better strategy than "the new membership model."

In an additional current development, the coronavirus scare has adversely impacted ABA's ability to attract members to various meetings that it counts on to generate non-dues revenue, and a raft of them have been cancelled, with as-yet unquantified losses.

As Illinois experiences a growing number of coronavirus cases, concentrated in the Chicago area, ABA has also cravenly beclowned itself with blatant, national origin discrimination, posting out all visitors from certain countries it believes might carry the virus to the hallowed halls of ABA headquarters.

Like "Masque of the Red Death" revisited, I suspect ABA's cowardly, discriminatory behavior will prove to avail it naught. This pandemic will not be stopped by a bunch of gutless wonders shitting themselves and trying to "profile out" the infected. Rives, of course, is specially at risk due to his age, and Rawles must be sweating bullets due to her morbid obesity and associated co-morbid health risks. Still, I don't see them getting ahead of this, and in all likelihood, the virus is even now circulating within their walls. They may only succeed in making themselves even more vulnerable while laboring under the delusion that they have made themselves secure.

If only I could play Danse Macabre on my guitar, the predicament of the capering ABA fools would be the perfect subject matter for a 2020 musical Peeps diorama! 

https://www.abajournal.com/news/article/aba-cancels-some-meetings-due-to-coronavirus-concerns-offices-are-open-but-not-to-high-risk-visitors

Iranian Researchers Stop Coronavirus Cold

Although drinking Satanic alcohol is prohibited in the enlightened Islamic Republic of Iran, a number of Iranian citizens embarked on an aggressive trial of various alcoholic beverages as a possible means of warding off the coronavirus. Some of these beverages reportedly substitute a combination of highly toxic methanol and bleach for consumable ethanol. Showing the same fervor and devotion in their attack on the disease that they would normally display against apostates and infidels, at least forty-four of the intrepid researchers testing the potential treatments are said to have attained complete imperviousness to the coronavirus as a result. Preliminary accounts indicate that collateral benefits associated with the alcohol therapy include dramatically decreased likelihood of patients either breathing in the coronavirus or absent-mindedly touching their faces. However, as of press time, none of the people reported to have achieved complete immunity to coronavirus could be reached for comment.

Meanwhile, the Iranian government, for its part, is reportedly attempting to suppress further research by hunting down and arresting the purveyors of the curative elixir, whom it deems "bootleggers."

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2020/03/10/44-dead-iran-drinking-toxic-alcohol-fake-coronavirus-cure/5009761002/

Postscript: 9th Circuit AFFIRMS Judge Selena's order revoking Avenatti bail

READ, ORDER AFFIRMING DECISON TO REVOKE MICHAEL AVENATTI BAIL AND THAT HE BE DETAINED PENDING TRIAL IN CA ON 36-FELONY COUNTS.

https://docdro.id/RgBKOnW

Avenatti files reply brief in bid to over-turn Judge's Selena's bail revocation order

What do you call an appellate brief that omits to contain even a perfunctory exposition of the evidence in support of Judge Selena's order that Avenatti be confined in jail through trial and also fails to mention the probable cause standard to believe a crime was committed by Avenatti on bail, the legal presumptions thereby created or the standard of review?

This: https://docdro.id/TmNwYrN

This Aggression Will Not Stand

I know that there are many things not to like about our current President.  However, as far as I know he's never been responsible for the breakup of a groundbreaking hip hop group.  Dear God people, Bernie Sanders is dangerous!  He must be stopped, for the sake of our country.  I don't care how many NFL rushing titles he won.

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/public-enemy-flavor-flav-bernie-sanders-960272

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/garth-brooks-wears-sanders-jersey-mistaken-fans-endorsement-bernie-n1145046