The Ballad of Stabbity Chick

Some sixty years or so ago, there was an excellent version of the old Stagger Lee and Billy Lyon ballad making the rounds. Cisco Houston kind of sort played it in a recording that was posted on YouTube about nine years ago, finally getting most of the melody by the time he got to the end. I'm a little too busy to play and record it the right way just now, but if you find Cisco's version, that will give an idea, at least, of the tune. For Stagger Lee (a legendary sore loser), the moral was "When you lose your money, learn to lose." For Stabbity, I offer a slightly different lesson (though she seems to be resisting), and Harvard, well, Harvard can just be proud.

One day on social media,
Among the usual chatter,
Young Stabbity Chick told how she'd stick,
The fans of "All Lives Matter,"
Posting threats,
Of violence,
Is abuse.

Well, the firm where she was set to start,
They took it mighty rough,
Saying, "We can't have her stabbing folks, While working on our stuff,"
Posting threats,
Of violence,
Is abuse.

An accountant's brother heard of it,
Near caused his blood to freeze,
He called the firm and begged,
"Don't let her shank my sister, please,"
Posting threats,
Of violence,
Is abuse.

An HR staffer phoned her up,
And said, "Ms. Stab-bi-tee,
If ever a career you have,
There'll be no shanks to me,"
Posting threats,
Of violence,
Is abuse.

Then, back on TikTok, Stabbity,
She let the tears run free,
And she wailed, "It's Trump supporters,
Not my own stupid-i-ty,"
Posting threats,
Of violence,
Is abuse.

So members of the jury,
That's how it came to pass,
That Stabbity slew her future,
With the jawbone of an ass,
Posting threats,
Of violence,
Is abuse.

Now some are trashing Stabbity,
While others sing her praise,
But what the Hell is Harvard
Up to teaching kids these days?
Posting threats,
Of violence,
Is abuse.